By Barbara Katz
Since the dawn of man the “Dance of Intimacy” known as flirting has existed, helping boy meet girl to satisfy the need for personal closeness and our deeper instincts for survival as a species. But our basic urges have evolved beyond mere survival, into a seemingly complicated array of behaviours and protocols that would make even Casanova’s head hurt.
It’s not supposed to be this way. “Flirting is universal,” says relationships expert Laura Schaefer (author of Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor: The Best and Worst Personal Ads of All
Time). Whether you live in Brampton or Bolivia, Schaefer says people all have the same moves when it comes to attracting attention: “smiling, arching their eyebrows, then averting their gaze.
Flirting is an essential skill that enhances ones happiness and their sense of connection. Even in the stately Victorian era, flirting had a place: why do you think women dropped handkerchiefs, or waved those accordion fans? Those fans were the ultimate hand-held device, the killer app of courtly love.
According to Schaefer, a fan placed near the heart was a silent, subtle signal that said, “You have won my love.” Opening a fan wide meant "Wait for me." A half-opened fan pressed to the lips suggested, “You may kiss me.” If the man didn’t follow the protocol, the lady might open and close the fan several times quickly, an arch reprimand that warned: “Watch it. You are behaving cruelly.”
Despite evolution, the universal signals of flirting are less structured than in Victorian times. Today,
the “rules of engagement” are more varied and less codified than they have been in the past – which may explain why so many people have difficulty feeling like they have mastered its techniques.
Some people flirt just for the fun of it, enjoying saucy conversations and meeting new people. They may be a married couple trying to revive the fun and romance. For others, flirting is the means to an end: to find the love of their life (or at least for the rest of the month).
Today we flirt in clubs, restaurants and arenas, in book stores and supermarkets and even while driving in heavy traffic. Spotting who’s available and interested from across the room and mustering the courage to speak to them can be more stressful than in past times.
Beyond a smile and the arched eyebrow, we don't know the common signals that allow us to interpret others’ intentions. Flirting may be instinctual, but it’s a complex ritual that only a few people master. And the opportunity for error is huge.
For example, let’s consider the single adult female in a familiar nocturnal environment – at a party or club with other single friends - to exemplify this flirting conundrum. The ladies chat amiable, usually in a tight circle or “impenetrable fortress”. After all, it’s noisy in this jungle, and you have to stand close and speak loudly to hear each other.
At the edge of the clearing, two males of the species scan the horizon for likely mates. Their gaze falls upon the females mentioned above. They like the looks of the individual females, but they notice how the group is standing very close together, presumably for mutual protection.
The males consider joining the conversation, but they see no way through the stronghold-like wall of female backs. If they approach, they fear looking foolish or being rejected.
Instead, they scan the room for solitary individuals who are less well-fortified. They move on silently, the males’ presence went undetected by the group of females, who are still busy talking in their circle.
This is a common irony of the dating scene today, when the “rules” are less defined. These women were likely there to meet men. Yet they didn’t realize that their body language and group dynamics were actively blocking the very people they wanted to meet.
This is why awareness of flirting is so important. Not only does it make it easier for you to approach other people – but you also realize that you have to make it easier for them to approach you. Flirting is not so much about “hunting in the wild” as it is showing that you are open to being approached, and having the confidence to take a few chances.
The fear of rejection can be overwhelming and may stop some dead in their tracks - robbing them of opportunities to make a wanted connection. Often our intensions are not clearly conveyed making it difficult for a potential suitor to know whether to approach.
Overcoming the fear of rejection is one of the hardest flirting skills for both men and women alike to master. Most people are wary of flirting because they feel that they don't know what to say. They worry that they'll be considered too “forward” or even pushy. Flirting may breed other fears as well – the fear of saying the wrong thing, attracting the wrong people, or of making one’s self open to be approached and yet attracting no one at all.
Ironically, when you think about a great flirting experience you’ve had – one where you felt completely at ease, were in the moment with light playfulness and were being your authentic self, it all happened because someone took the risk to make the first move, someone took the first step in the Dance of Intimacy. This “bold move” was what opened the door for the possibility of what could be.
Once you understand the art of flirting, things become much simpler. When you know how to catch a person’s eye, read body language, and start a conversation, then flirting isn't “forward” – it's just socializing. At its best, flirting becomes empowering and increases your self-confidence and self-esteem as you interact with new people. Regardless of the eventual outcome, it’s always flattering when someone you find attractive shows interest in you.
These are just a few glimpses of how people flirt in the 21st century. It’s not just for biological reasons that flirting has emerged as one of the most important skills developed by the human race. The techniques of flirting can ignite new relationships or enhance established ones. They can boost your confidence, win new friends and introduce you to new experiences.
Whether we are club-hoppers, introverts, fan-waving Victorians or someone overcoming their fears to make a “bold move”, we are all social beings. We all seek connections with others. Learning to flirt can be truly empowering and life-changing. Flirting is not a “cure” for being single. It's oxygen for a healthier, happier life.
By Barbara Katz
Does the thought of flirting over the holidays send you into the fetal position curled up under your coffee table? Or perhaps it conjures up images of a wolf stalking its prey?
Whatever your preconceptions, it’s time to change your perspective on flirting. Because if you change your perspective, you can change your outcomes.
And if you want to meet new people, what better time than the
holidays, the one time a year when it's permissible to be "merry," and there's a party on every corner?
No matter what age you are, flirting is something that happens
naturally. The urge to flirt is stamped on our DNA.
Since the beginning of history, humans have wanted to connect with each other. Not just in an emotional way, but to continue the lineage of the species. We are all descendants of successful flirters.
So flirting shouldn’t be nerve-racking or scary. At its best, flirting is fun, light-hearted and empowering. It's simply connecting with another person to say, “I find you attractive, and I am open to having a conversation.”
You don't need mistletoe to do your flirting for you. Here are five tips for more effective flirting at your next Christmas party.
1. Feel Good Before You Go Out
Let’s face it. If you are in a bad mood before you go out on the town, no amount of forced smiles and looking interested in conversations will hide it. You will be sending out a vibe of “back off, I’m having a bad day” that would scare off the Sugar Plum Fairy.
Before you step out to your holiday festivities, do something that puts a smile on your face and makes you feel good.
Maybe it’s working out, or going for a walk. Perhaps it’s having a tug of war with your dog or cranking up “Bohemian Rhapsody” in your car and singing at the top of your lungs. Do whatever makes you feel good so that you can genuinely be in a happy mood when you arrive.
Like it or not, the moment you step into the party your body language will radiate the emotions you are feeling.
2. Be Approachable
You’ve seen people at social gatherings who just slouch by the egg nog, texting on their phone, never looking up. Or people who look like they want to fade into the walls, or try to take up as little physical space as possible.
Who would want to approach these people, let alone flirt with them? Their body language is all closed up. Subconsciously they are sending the message, “I’m not open to being approached.”
The easiest way to let people know you are open is to smile and make eye contact. A cute, cheeky grin and a twinkle in your eye helps, too. It makes people wonder what you’re up to and makes them curious to come over and talk with you.
Use open, confident body language, such as standing tall with your chest out and arms in a more open position. This sends the subconscious message, “I’m open to meeting new people.”
3. Master the “Dreaded Opening Line”
Flirting starts to become "real" when one person is brave enough to approach another. Beware of corny opening lines such as: “Do you come here often?” or “I’m not the best photographer in the world, but I can picture us together.” Why? Because these are clichés. And more importantly, they aren't you.
The best “opening line” is the simplest: “Hello, my name is John [or Jane]. What’s yours?” Yes, that’s it! A friendly “Hello” with a genuine smile also works wonders. The important point is that you actually break the ice and make contact in a friendly, authentic way. Being confident and real is extremely appealing -- to both sexes.
4. Ask fun, light, open-ended questions
Once you're talking with other people, being genuinely curious about them makes you more attractive.
Ask fun, playful opening questions such as, "What's your favorite holiday cartoon?", or even, “If you hitchhiked with Santa on Christmas Eve, where would you ask to be dropped off, and why?”
Questions like these will open the door to interesting and memorable conversations. They also help the flow of the conversation meander in many possible directions, so both of you can share in a fun, genuine way.
5. Be in the moment, with no agenda
When you arrive at a party with a self-imposed agenda such as, “I’m going to get a date before I leave this event,” you put pressure on yourself. You can get so focused on the end goal that you forget to be in the moment and enjoy the person in front of you. Does that sound like fun to you? Would you want to flirt with someone who's on a mission?
Above all, stay away from the mistletoe. Demanding a kiss for standing under decorative shrubbery smacks of coercion - and pressure is the enemy of flirting.
Going out with no expectations allows the event to unfold freely without your trying to guide it in any one direction. You are freer to allow your authentic, attractive self to shine through. And your holiday - and even your New Year - can be merry and bright.
About The Author
Barbara Katz is an interpersonal communications professional who specializes in communication between the sexes.
She is dedicated to helping people recognize that flirting is a fun, playful empowering activity. Through workshops, presentations, articles and other media she teaches people new skills and strategies to increase their self confidence when connecting with others.